The trouble with Sagittarians

As a 7th grader, living in Manhattan had its ups and downs.. Back then in the '70's, before Giuliani or whichever mayor shipped all the bad elements to the East river, the streets were packed with creepy contruction guys and crude street hooligans, just waiting to prey on innocent girls.. I remember walking down the street one day and a superfly looking dude slithering his arm around my shoulders and saying, 'Yo mama, you lookin' good today'.. I was 13, and not amused.. I removed his arm and said 'I'm NOT your mama', and walked away indignantly.. Nearly 3 decades later (am I THAT old? How did that happen?) my take on NYC is completely different.. I go to the city now to satisfy my wanderlust.. I'm always in the best mood there, the coffee tastes incredible, the pedestrians are fascinating in their ethnicity, the bums are refreshingly candid.. I'm walking down the street, starry-eyed and grinning at how happy I am to be alive and taking in all the excitement that is New York, passing corner stores that carry the freshest floral bouquets from Holland, suave old men walking their jack russells decked out in their little scottish capes.. I'm so content, I almost wish a brick would fall out of a window and kill me, because how can it get any better than this? And I pass a crazy street lady cursing at all the oblivious white people enjoying their mornings.. 'All these FUCKING people!' I pass her, still grinning, because it's kind of hysterical, and then she says about me as I pass 'BITCH!' I'm nearly laughing aloud, because my bluebirds are still dancing around my head in my perfect little world in my perfect little city.

Your Mother's Better than My Mother..

It was a late night conversation with my oldest friend Lena (name changed so she doesn't get in a huff).. I met her back in junior high school in Manhattan.. I was 12.. We both had extremely unconventional families.. My father and older brother and I lived in a loft designed as a photographers studio.. My bedroom was a darkroom, and my bed the place where photos are suppossed to get developed.. I was a precocious pre-teen who thought she had it all figured out.. Then I met Lena, a really sweet, friendly girl, who always wore a scarf around her hair which made her look about 35.. She wanted me to come over after school one day, but was embarrassed by her poverty.. I reassured her that our furniture consisted of electrical spools used as tables found on the street, so she felt ok about the whole thing.. Her mother was this very sweet little old lady who kept offering me iced tea.. She was eccentric, and often embarrassed her two daughters.. Like when she took us all to see Richard Gere in An Officer and a Gentleman, everytime a suggestive scene came on, she'd put a paperbag over Lena's little sisters head.. Rose was Catholic, and occasionally would just sit and talk to herself aloud about how Lena and I shouldn't be friends because I was Jewish.. Lena was mortified, but I knew Rose was a little disconnected from reality sometimes, and didn't take it personally.. I knew she really liked me anyway, because when we all went to Roosevelt Island, she made sure to buy me Mountain Dew soda and a bag of sour cream and onion potatoe chips.. And I was very touched, because I knew sometimes they didn't even have enough money to eat .. You overlook some things, once someone shows they care about you, especially when you're craving that attention that your own family hasn't given you.. I overlooked the really bad smell I noticed one day in their house, too.. Well, not totally.. 'Lena? What's that disgusting smell?' 'I don't know.. It's that bag.. Ma!! What's in that bag??' 'Oh, I saw a dead bird on the street, I felt sorry for it..' MA!!!' (from both daughters) 'You can't keep a dead bird in the house!!' 'He's not hurting anyone'... Flash to my own mother.. My mother has suffered from depression all of her life, but I never really acknowledged it, and just thought she was absent.. Now that she's nearly 70, I'm faced with it and not sure how to approach her oncoming move into needing a caretaker.. So many different issues.. And my approach is to feel responsible, but also dread at having to figure out what she should do with her life..I'm still trying to work out stuff in my own life, so the prospect of directing a severely depressed woman into happiness is a little overwhelming.. So that night Lena and I agreed to trade mothers.. It's a perfect idea! I instantly felt stress dissipate at the exchange.. Something about perception of hardship intensifies it all, and I think we are all too close to our own situations to be objective.. So my first task as Rose's new daughter was to convince her to move into this great senior housing apartment in Manhattan.. Rose had been living in Brooklyn for about 15 years, and complaining the whole time that she wanted to go back to Manhattan.. It would make everyone's lives much easier, as Rose doesn't get around very easily, and complains loudly when Lena or her sister Jenny try and get her on a senior minibus.. They're so convenient, and come right to her house, inexpensive.. But she yells, 'I'm not OLD, I don't need this thing!' and then when they do get her on it, she scowls the whole time.. And makes loud comments about the other poor, down-trodden travellers.. 'Look at that man, he looks retarded!' Lena and Jenny just duck down and pretend they're not with her.. So Lena makes this big effort with the apartment in Manhattan.. Rose needs to be interviewed by the manager first.. Lena takes the day off from work, is on her way over to Rose's house, and calls her on the cell phone to let her know she'll be over soon.. Rose: 'Yes, that woman called me.. I told her I didn't want that apartment'.. Lena flipped out, 'Ma! What do you mean you told her you didn't want the apartment?? Do you know how hard it is to get an affordable place in Manhattan??' 'Oh, another one will come up'.. Lena was too angry to continue the conversation.. So she relays all this to me.. I tell her 'Let me talk to Rose, she'll listen to me.. We have the same birthday' .. Lena is thrilled someone else is getting involved.. I haven't spoken to Rose in about 5 years.. The last time I spoke to her, the whole family was at my house for Thanksgiving.. We were all having a great time, til Rose realized that the girls had meant for her to spend the night at my house.. They tried to convince her that we'd go for a nice drive in the country the next day..She was furious with them.. She doesn't like her routine disturbed.. Plus I didn't have a clock in my house at the time, and it was driving her crazy.. We all went to sleep by about midnight.. I kept hearing Rose every hour.. I was in a sound, peaceful sleep, then I was woken by Rose proclaiming 'How can you live without a clock? I need to know what time it is!' Back to sleep I went.. Again I was woken by her voice in the night: 'Operator? Can you tell me what time it is?' Back to sleep I fell (a perk of being a distance runner.. You can always fall right back to sleep!) Rose's voice again in the night, musing sarcastically: 'Go for a country drive! You'd think they saw enough of the country on the busride up here!' I had to laugh at that one..
OK, so I call Rose as requested.. I was getting excited about talking to her, so many years had gone by, I tend to lose touch with people, and then wonder why because I remember that I really liked them? Anyway, I figured I'd warm her up a little with catch-up talk.. I told her how I ran my first marathon last year.. I asked her if she'd ever gone to watch the NYC marathon.. She said one year she did, she was up at Columbus circle.. I got all excited, 'Yeah! That's around mile 22 where the runners enter the park!' 'Yes,' she said, 'I took a photo there'.. More excitement from me, 'Oh! Did you get a picture of the elite runners in the front or just the crowds of runners?' 'I got a picture of a nice statue in the park'.. Yeah, she's a sagittarius alright.. So I snuck in the first question about the apartment: 'So I heard Lena found a really nice apartment for you in Manhattan.. You weren't interested?' 'I like where I live.. It's on the first floor'.. That sounded reasonable.. 'Yes, but Lena and Jenny could visit you a lot more if you lived in Manhattan'.. She changed the subject.. I felt bad, I could tell it was uncomfortable for her, but I also knew she was being damn stubborn (typical again of the sunsign!), and that her daughters really knew what was best for her.. 'Rose, I'd hate to see you burn your bridges, apartments are hard to come by'.. I was wondering if she knew how hard Lena worked to get this place for her? Just when I started to think she wasn't with me at all, she said sheepishly, 'Lena came in like a lion and out like a lamb!' I had to hold back from laughing.. Lena was FURIOUS when Rose told the lady she wasn't intersted.. 'Sabotoge! My mother is sabotaging my efforts!!' We talked a little more about our art, and her starting a walking program.. I got off the phone feeling really happy to have talked to her, she's really a sweet person.. But also like my efforts to change her mind were in vain.. The next day I got a call from Lena thanking me, as she spoke w Rose, and she had agreed to take a look at the apartment! I was amazed.. Funny how people take in stuff you've told them and you sometimes think they're not even listening.. *sigh*
And it's 100% easier to help someone elses mother.. Lenas' turn

Dried persimmons and raising Bantus..

I'm one of the biggest fans of dried fruit.. In particular, dried peaches. When done correctly, they are the most perfect food in the universe. Some fruits however, should never be dried. They can taste like a moist old sneaker. Hence, my first taste of a dried persimmon (a fruit that when fresh is quite delicious), will also be my last. OK, this is quite self-indulgent, this fruit-rant.. If anyone has been wondering where I've been, first THANK-YOU for caring! Second, sorry for neglecting you.. Third, I've been happily just not visiting the computer.. I was working on an art project with an ominous deadline, so I needed time to fret about that a few weeks while doing absolutely nothing about 'getting to business'.. Phew, it's finally finished, and I feel kind of wiped out from the effort, but cleansed and evolved.. But not anxious to get started on another one for maybe another year.. Ha ha, this from a girl who wants to quit her job to do something more creative.. I better find a sugar-daddy if that ever happens.. HA! Next to Gloria Steinheim, (sp?) I'm probably the last person in the world you'd ever find even knowing what a sugar-daddy is, much less hooking up with one.. Luxury to me is ice cubes in my drink.. Socks without holes.. Having all of my limbs.. How would I find use out of a sugar-daddy? (I keep thinking of daddy-long legs when I write that word.. Now THERE'S a useful creature.. Selflessly ridding your house of unwanted other bugs..) OK, I was really going to write about some interesting encounters in NYC this weekend, but the moment passed, and besides, I know you're all getting sick of the running stories.. Well, they'll be back, I just need a little break.. Besides, I just drank a Hoegaarden, so I'm in a festive mood..

4:30 AM Wake up call.. Tamar's back to racing!

Doesn't that sound a little too early to be doing ANY activity, let alone contemplating running as fast as you can for 13.1 miles? I'm used to it, but just wanted to let you know, that I appreciate how inhuman it sounds to the non-runner.. So this was the highlight of my weekend.. Spending the day with a dedicated group of runners in a van driving to Coney Island Brooklyn at 6 am.. What could be better? A lot of foreign accents were co-mingling.. One man with a British accent named Bill was giving me the scoop on today's race, as he ran it last year.. 'You start on the boardwalk, which is about 3/4's of a mile, and some people fell down last year'.. Oh great.. Something to look forward to.. The man sitting on my right was screaming directions to the driver frantically, in some strange sounding accent.. Sounded transylvanian.. 'No NO!! Make a RIGHT!', he barked.. Tara from my town looked alarmed at the level of aggression.. I was enjoying being with new people.. We arrive in town and exit the cozy little van greeted by freezing cold 20 mph winds.. Dressed in very little, in prep for the race.. The logistics of getting to the starting line are quite complicated, and if you're not good with time-management, you'll never make it.. We have about 30 minutes to use the port-o-potties (very long lines), check our race bags, and get to the start .. I'm leaving out about 5 more things you have to accomplish in that time, but I'm getting bored typing it, so I can imagine how you're feeling (I'm such an empathetic blogger.. ) OK, the race goes off, I instantly hate running on the boardwalk.. There are loose skinny little wood planks that threaten to catch your toe with every step, the wind is so cold it renders our feet frozen, so we can't even feel if they're making contact with the ground.. I'm aware of trotting to avoid tripping.. And all of a sudden, BLAM! Runner down on my left.. I felt his pain.. Right on his face.. Poor guy.. On we continued, no time to help the fallen.. We had our own suffering to deal with.. Two miles later, we finally turn off the boardwalk (I make a mental note to never trust anything Bill says..) .. and we head straight into the wind for eight miles up Ocean Parkway.. To take my mind off how hard I'm working, I keep repeating my goal race pace in my head like a mantra.. 7:30-7:30-7:30.. I study the runners in front of me.. I've never seen such strange running forms.. One man has these long swinging arms, and runs with his feet out like a duck.. Like he's Elmer Fudd, chasin' wabbits.. And he's ahead of me! A very old looking man who looks like arthritis has set in everywhere but his head is awkwardly maintaining a spot ahead of me.. We get into Prospect Park, some man on the side is cheering us on.. 'I'm very proud of you!' he announces to us all.. This has a very good effect on me.. 'Wow.. He's proud of me.. I made him proud..' I pick up the pace a little.. And then I see it in the distance.. A long, nasty hill.. I make up my mind to put no effort whatsoever into keeping my pace up it.. (My coach would be mortified.. He's always coaching to maintain an even effort up the hills).. OK, I finally see the finish, sprint like a banshee to get under 1:40, and make.. Close to my goal, a 7:36 pace per mile.. Yay me! 103rd female out of 1,300.. Not too shabby.. The best part is after, when the group I drove down with all gathers to wait for everyone.. How nice to have support! I usually have to fend for myself.. This is the best.. On the trip home, I discover the transylvanian is actually Israeli.. I'm so excited as I rarely get to use my Hebrew.. We get into a conversation in Hebrew about his running, the running community in Israel, if his wife supports his running.. Funny, conversations with men are the same cross-culturally.. The woman always finds out more information about them than they do about the women.. So I think everyone is impressed and astounded with my fluency in this exotic language.. No one heard a word of our conversation.. An Asian man sitting next to me announced that this was his first 1/2 marathon.. The guy beat me by eight minutes.. Genetics are not doled out fairly.. Why should this man be blessed with more speed than me? And better hair? I bet he was jealous of the Hebrew, though..

I did it! 

Six miles to better mental health..

Hi, semi-annonymous blog-world.. How is everyone feeling this evening/morning/afternoon, whenever this post finds you? I myself am feeling a little pesto-woozy.. I make the stuff about 4 times a year, because it takes me about 3 months to recover from the overdose of it.. I really make the best pesto, too good.. So irresistible that I eat the whole batch that's designed to last for a few good lunches.. And then those basil leaves expand in my stomache, and make me wonder what I was thinking.. I never learn.. So I hit a hilly running course today, trying to get back into some level of fitness that will put a little more fear into my competitors' hearts.. At least enough to stop them from being able to talk to me during an event.. It is a wickedly windy evening.. 35 mph winds, and I'm pushing the hills, so my heart is pounding away, and I'm totally incapable of talking.. (Who would try to talk to a runner in such a state, you may ask.. Good question.. And in the middle of a back farm road with little traffic.. ) Well, some poor soul found themselves lost on the road.. My mind was so out of it, I wasn't even aware they were slowing down to ask me directions. Directions! It was all I could do to keep breathing and moving forward, directions was about as realistic as flying.. I didn't want to be rude though, so I gasped out, 'I don't know anything around here!', which came out sounding like a snarky fishwife.. Really ugly voice, I didn't know I had it in me.. The woman said 'Oh, that's really nice', or something like that, as I wheezed on.. I felt really angry, and wasn't sure why.. At first I thought I was angry at the woman.. Couldn't she SEE that I was doing a tortured workout on a blustery day?? Why are people so mindless about what others are going through? But then after a little more time went by, and my breathing went back to normal.. I realized that my nature is to help other people, and had I not been running, I would have happily given this woman directions or anything else she needed.. So my anger was really at myself.. For not being the nice person that I know I am.. But then on further inspection of this situation, I decided that training hard is my right, and truly one of the only times during the day that it's ok for me to be selfish.. And if someone has to miss out on me giving them directions so I can get through my workout, that doesn't make me a bad person.. The trick is to treat myself like I'm my own coach, and protect my need to train hard.. While I'm training, that needs to be my only focus.. And it's better to just not engage in any conversing with others, because frankly, I can't talk and run hard at the same time.. So on I went, ran hard up a few more hills, and boom! Car #2 slows down in the opposite direction I'm running in, rolls his window down.. What am I, the Walmart greeter?? Do I have a sign on my back that says 'This way for directions'? I kept my resolve, and ploughed on with no eye contact.. That was easy.. As I pick up the pace to finish the run, this guy actually turns around and rolls down his window again asking for directions! I just said 'sorry' and kept moving.. Do you people reading this go through these same struggles? Is this weird? Am I worrying too much about what others are thinking? Or am I being a cretin runner deserving of all the abuse drivers often throw my way.. Maybe I should run more with other people and let them deal with those direction-seekers.. Or as Deb suggested to me, wear a t-shirt instructing not to talk to runner.. I think I need some suggestions here.. I'm not confident with my new game plan of ignoring everyone, but I don't see an alternative..

Race Morning..

Fifteen minutes before I'm suppossed to leave my house to run this local race as part of a club championship.. I couldn't be any less casual about it all.. Still wearing my pajamas.. This is not the real Tamar, who normally wakes up 5 times in the night worrying about race strategy and missing the start of the race.. Well, I'm merely a warm body for this event.. I already told the authorities that I'm in no shape to race seriously.. That being the case, I may actually be able to have a little fun today.. Sidle up to all those people that were chatting away to me mindlessly as I was struggling with the pace last race.. See how they like getting roped into a lengthy conversation on their declining state of fitness as they go into oxygen dept.. Yes, runners are a cruel and sadistic bunch.. If you had considered getting involved in the world of road racing, be prepared for more than a physical challenge.. Some of us are normal out there.. Usually not anyone that's very competitive though.. And the tricky part is, most will deny til the end that they have any desire to win.. 'Oh, I was just out to have a good time'.. OK, right.. It's really quite a riot when your inner systems are bordering on very uncomfortable to I-may-pass-out-from-lactic-acid-build-up any second.. So am I looking forward to seeing all these folks at the race this morning? I guess I have some doubts.. Racing always makes me anxious, I suppose that's normal.. A race is a test, and if you've trained hard, you have a lot at stake, so things that are important to you can give you a healthy anxiety.. I guess my real concern this morning is, since I've eliminated that worry of performing since I'm going to take it easy.. My real concern is how to deal with that woman that always has an in-your-face rude comment disquised as friendly comraderie.. I never know how to deal with those people.. I think they're just clueless that they leave everyone in their paths speechless and offended.. Yup, she will be there.. She kind of leaves you feeling like George Costanza.. Two hours later you come up with the perfect comeback line, and the moment is well over to use it.. Wish me luck..

Streaker Dick and the Matzo Balls

No, I haven't sold out to my true self, trying to get extra hits on my blog with the promise of perversions.. Dick is an old friend of mine.. Actually, quite a pivotal friend, as I met him in my early twenties when I was just making some big discoveries in life. One of them was running. Dick had a little sporting good store in Ulster county, and in addition to having a 20 year running streak (yeah, that's right, he hasn't missed a single day of running.. Not for a broken ankle, birth of a child, lost Yankees game..) .. now it's actually 30 consecutive years.. So in addition to that cool little accolade, and of course, we all want friends that are unique.. I could always get great running advise from Dick.. So Dick comes by last night to visit.. He's got a tight hamstring from too much running and too little stretching.. He asks for a tennis ball to work it out (this works amazingly well, by the way.. You have to just sit on the floor and let your leg weight-bare on the tennis ball, it feels great and painful at the same time).. So then I offer him my very last bowl of chicken soup w matzo balls that I made to heal myself.. He's enjoying his bowl of soup, sporting these snazzy orange wool socks (runners have some wild socks..).. And he's really not too sure about those matzo balls.. 'You know, these would work great on my hamstring', he says.. I swear, they weren't anywhere NEAR the consistency of a tennis ball, I don't know what his issue was with them! I think they scared him..
Well, I took a pic of Dick and the orange socks eating his matzo ball soup, but sorry, my computer's rebeling and not allowing any proof. OK, so the nicest part of today was that I really feel better.. I tested the waters with a run on the trail I usually run on.. I felt great, the sun was out for once this year, and I was so thankful to be able to run and feel healthy again.. Then in the distance running the opposute direction, I saw a slim figure approaching me.. My friend Donna! Our schedules are so different, we rarely are able to run together, but it worked out perfectly.. She was on the final leg of a 20 mile run, so she was really happy to have someone to entertain her for a few miles.. And I was in such a great mood (for once!) that I didn't bring her down.. I was tempted to tell her about all the psychological warfare that took place at my last race.. But I don't want her to think I'm too much of a psycho, especially in the great mood that I was in.. Did you ever notice that once you've discovered some subject that's slightly touchy with a particular friend, for some reason, you gravitate towards it? I know Donna doesn't like to hear about me feeling insecure or untrusting in social situations, I guess it makes HER feel vulnerable.. But I don't seem to be able to stop myself from doing it, like I'm trying to test a theory.. I think that's how marriages fall apart.. We're always trying to test each other, press the bruises.. Just because they're green and purple, and we expect there to be pain when we press down on them, but still, wouldn't it be fun to just test it? Maybe this time it won't hurt if I press it? It's so much fun though, LOVE pressing the bruises!!!!!

It's scary away from work.. Stockholm Syndrome?

Yes, after 8 years of complaining that I really should find a job that's a better fit for me, something that will allow my creative side to develop.. And just general anquished complaints about how corporate America is not the right fit for a girl raised by hippies and various step-parents in psychedelic VW bugs.. Where was I going with this? OOh yeah, I finally have a glimmer of the freedom I've been dying for.. As I sit waiting for my doctor's appointment tomorrow to give me the ok to return to work.. But I don't feel free at all.. I think I've forgotten what being free means.. I think I was 5 years old the last time I remembered.. Does that mean I'll never be free again? Nah, I think it means a 2 day reprieve from work does not a free woman make. Freedom really is a state of mind. My freedom throughout my incarceration, er, 8 year term at work has always been my running. I put my 42 hours a week into my job, but the dream of running personal records in races always propelled me forward, prevented me from feeling like my soul was not my own.. Running in races brought me to new countries, new neighborhoods, new worlds.. Physically transported me from my excruciatingly routine life to somewhere better.. Somewhere where people were excited about their accomplishments, excited to see what their bodies were able to do.. Excited to show off their hard labour.. And training for a race is one of the most taxing experiences you can have in this life.. Try running 6 times a mile on a track in 6:41 pace with only a 1 minute rest in between.. Well, I couldn't run more than an 11 minute mile when I first started running, and to just string 2 of them together took me a full month. Now I can run 13 of them back to back at a 7:05 pace per mile. Running saved my life, gave me some focus .. Maybe that's why I'm feeling so out of sorts now.. The doc said no running.. Ah, it's good to change your routine now and then.. Gives you a chance to try other stuff, like blogging..

A good day for REM and Math..

Hello, Deb's loyal readers! OK, how great a gal is she? Not only drags my sick butt to the doctor, after buying me tulips and sick-person goods, but then links me to her own blog! This girl is the most generous-hearted person I've ever met. The bad news is, you all have no idea who you are now stuck with .. And neither do I.. I'd love to stick some random photos in here to liven this whole experience up for those that took the time to meander over.. OK, that took about ten minutes, will have to save that trick for next time. This experience is a bit humbling, as I'm not very fluent with the tools for blogging, and feel like a child in a bad way.. Meaning I feel impatient and would love to just decorate here and there and embellish this post with some fun graphics, but being ignorant to this, am being forced to stick with the writing.. Which in itself is great, but this is a little scarey.. I suppose.. Wondering who is reading this and judging this.. And mostly hoping I'm not boring someone to tears who is being polite to Deb by reading my blog.. It doesn't even feel worthy of the 'blog' title..
A little about me: This is one of the few times I'm absent from my job.. It feels really strange, and I'm putting so much pressure on myself to figure out what other career I should be gravitating towards, that I 'm actually missing my high-stress job! Today was my first official day back at work, after missing 1 full week.. I felt OK, was nice to see everyone, we sit in little cubicles in this call center, the girls that sit in front of me looked relieved that I'd returned.. I'm kind of like the big sister, provide them with a lot of comic relief throughout the day.. I was touched to note several trash gossip magazines made their way to my desk for entertainment.. Brought a toy chicken that lays jellybeans for one girl, Melissa.. Inside joke.. I told her you put the jellybeans in the chicken's head, and then press it's wing and it lays eggs.. Melissa's from the city.. 'You mean the eggs come out of her koolie??' I think that's the word she used, it sounded approriate, so I agreed.. She appreciated her toy chicken.. A few minutes later, while this other woman was filling me in on some meeting I missed, I started getting really light-headed.. Back to the doctor to try and get him to agree to short-termed disability.. He checked all the vital stuff.. Said I'm in perfect shape.. But took some blood for good measure and told me to come back Wednesday.. So it's all in my head! But I was SOOO happy to be able to go back home.. Nothing like the comfort of home after a morning of harsh realities in the office.. OK, exchanging toys doesn't sound very traumatic, but trust me, my job can get really brutal.. Petty politics, whining grown customers that are looking for mental punching bags, constantly increasing sales goals and continual reminders throughout the day of all this.. I'm usually daydreaming about winning a race somewhere on another continent.. But you're pulled back to reality within seconds.. Yeah, it's nice to be writing to you all and listening to REM.. And not doing Math.. I was able to add that to my list of careers I will not choose to pursue in the future..
Good Night, good wishes to all...
Tamar

One Desolate Blog..

Who but a true Luddite would have accidentally created a blog in a failed attempt to post a comment on a friend's blog? OK, if anyone's reading this, apologies for the emptiness.. I'm too sick to continue with this today.. Hopefully I'll remember I created this tomorrow.. Peace to all..